Woman at War

By Hope Bratch

I choose to write what I wish was seen  

The skinniness I wish I had  

The tiny body I began to fein.  

I took a picture of a skinny waist  

One that I could call mine  

But skinny isn’t enough  

I haven’t yet crossed that line.  

“She is tiny.”  

“She is small.”  

Those are the names I wish to be called.  

I get called “dramatic.”  

I am not understood  

I can still be smaller  

Less is more if you would.  

I look at the video  

Where my skinny is noticed  

With my face so slim  

I wish to go back   

To the fat that I lacked.  

I envy the girl in the novel  

The one where skinny was seen  

She is called “thin”  

Menstruation in question.  

I read this and wanted it  

I was happy to read  

The girl who seemed to lack nutrition  

I read this with heavy ambition.  

I envy the girl in the book  

She was able to miss meals  

She had other priorities that took   

focus.  

I wanted that   

I wish I had different thoughts.  

Is it worth it?  

I was there before.  

I felt the effects that malnutrition had in store.  

My period irregular  

My emotions a bore  

I was easily irritated  

My energy poor  

Food is my enemy   

With him I’m at war  

I’m scared of what he’ll do  

Of the fat he’ll bring  

So I try not to consume  

This fat-full thing.  

Today food is slim  

My stomach small  

I am happy for that  

But what do I call  

This constant war  

Making eating feel like sin  

How do I get the results I want  

This war I cannot win.